17 10 / 2008
Little Ms Sunshine
One of my all time favorite movies is “Little Miss Sunshine”. For those who haven’t seen it, it is an outrageous story about a dysfunctional family that takes an unexpected adventure to California for the daughter’s first beauty pageant. I’m not sure which part pulls my heart strings the most; whether it’s when Olive (little girl) tearfully asks her grandfather if he thinks she’s a loser or when Edwin (Olive’s grandfather) tells Richard he is proud of him as his son. It’s probably my subconscious that draws me to this movie and makes me feel that I can relate.
Coming from a traditional Korean family and being born and raised in America has brought its share of culture clashes. Asians by nature hold the concept of “saving face” as a life necessity. Many in the East have committed suicide over the loss of face and honor for centuries. Looking a little bit closer, my family was built on pride, stubbornness and strength, more specifically, my father’s side. Without these hereditary characteristics, my parents wouldn’t have moved to the States or could have raised my sister and me in the best environment they could provide. My cousins, aunts and uncles wouldn’t be successful and intelligent professionals if they didn’t have these elements in their blood. Although the Kim gene is the ingredient to our character strengths, it is also the double-edged sword in our detriment.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to win the love of my father. We are closer than we have ever been now and we talk about everything under the sun. There’s no doubt we have a loving and healthy relationship. However, it wasn’t easy growing up. It took hard work on both of our parts; sometimes he would try and I wouldn’t and vice versa. My father was raised with emotionally unavailable parents. They didn’t show him a lot of physical affection. So I understand that it didn’t come naturally to him when I needed him to show me. It was seldom that I saw my parents affectionate as well. Again, throw in the cultural disposition of Asian stoicism and you have an environment where words, praises and acknowledgments weighed twice as much. It was so important for me to hear that my parents loved and accepted me and that I made them proud.
Ten years later, and I can’t deny these elementary, basic emotional needs are affecting my adult life. I’ve become a perfectionist in almost everything I do, whether it is personal or professional. It breaks me down when I don’t feel successful in my career just like Richard in “Little Miss Sunshine”. Sometimes I don’t feel pretty and worry I might be a loser just like Olive. Other times, I can be a downright, cursing asshole when I don’t get my way like Edwin. It’s hard to break the cycle of being your hardest critic. It’s even harder to see yourself stay in the same rut.
All my studies of psychology and sociology only do me good as an outsider looking in. I can help other people and give exceptionally sound advice but when it comes to taking my own medicine, it’s easier said than done. I guess that goes for a lot of people but I seem to forget what I’m supposed to be working on often. However, nothing could prepare me better with a sense of urgency to “fix” things than the current state of today’s economy and global changes. In a matter of a month, I’ve lost my restless ambition for career and selfish accomplishments after my mother lost her contract with her company and my father’s company announced several lay-offs. I almost even feel guilty for going to Peru next week even though I don’t view it as a vacation but more of a life-changing, eye-opening experience. Still, I’m reminded of what’s really important in life and what is pointless and meaningless to worry, cry and fight about.
I know it sounds cliché and so easy to say, but I know I have to look on the bright side of things. I have my health; I have my family and friends. I have a roof over my head and money to buy food and clothes. I take way too many things for granted even though half the time I think I’m not. I’ve been working on my perspective and optimism. Taking life simpler and slower. I have to appreciate what’s here today and who brings value in my life. I’m trying to make a conscious effort and to continue to remind myself of this philosophy; and I’m teaching myself to learn to look past the miniscule and egocentric ways I’m used to. Here’s to working on “Little Ms Sunshine”.
