09 9 / 2008
Blue
Sometimes, I get depressed. Call it female hormones, emotional exaggeration or a personality disorder. I haven’t quite figured it out yet myself. I just know when it happens and I think it’s here.
Usually, good indicators include loss of interest in food (that’s a big deal for me because I’m a glutton); loss of passion for the things I enjoy like art, shopping, photography and food; and general discontent even when everything seems to be going right. Other red flags consist of insecurity, a desire to be reclusive and alone and of course, deep, dark sadness. Rainy and cloudy weather is just the icing on the cake.
When I get depressed, I find myself listening to soulful jazz like Miles Davis or sullen strings in the likes of Zero 7 or Portishead. It only seems appropriate to fit the mood and helps enhance it. Some may find it strange that I would want to embellish my sorrow, but I’m the type who has to feel deeply about every emotion. To really feel the lowest lows and the highest highs is the only way I know how to live. It’s not to say I’m not comfortable with stability. I expect it in my relationships, job and finances. I just need a little spark or challenge here or there to feel worthwhile.
My parents and friends have been telling me for the past few years that I need to be comfortable and content with who I am and what I have. They’ve used adjectives to describe me as selfish, restless, immature, indecisive and lost (in a loving way, of course). But I believe there’s a bigger reason for this force behind me to seek more. I’m not talking about material possessions. I’m referring to the subjects of historical textbooks, century old songs and religious questions.
What is my purpose here? What am I supposed to be? Am I going the right way? I remember pondering these thoughts even as a young girl at the age of 10. Some people have it easier because they’ve already “found” their purpose, whether it is a career, family or beliefs. Maybe this all stems from my loss of faith over the past few years. This is the furthest I’ve been in practice and in spirit from God. I’ve become more cynical and less of a believer. I don’t know how or why I changed.
All I can do is consider these thoughts and try to have different perspectives. I don’t think being temporarily depressed is a bad thing. On the contrary, I believe it is an occasional reminder of what really is important and valuable in life and helps me take an introspective break when I forget to see it.
